Blended Families

Blending families is not simple. I think of the movie "Your's, Mine, and Ours." Obviously that is an extreme case since they both had HUGE families to begin with. But it still illustrates some of the challenges of a newly blended family.

It's hard for a child to accept a new authority figure that is supposed to meet their needs. It is suggested that it's best for the new step-parent to act in the capacity of an uncle or aunt for the first few years, depending on the family. This may seem extreme but when you think about the role of an uncle or aunt it makes sense.

 An involved uncle or aunt 
is always there for you
 they are supportive and understanding
if there is something that is troublesome they will tell the parents

Likewise a step-parent would do well to do these things and let the birth parent be responsible for the discipline for at least the first two years to help the kids make a smooth transition.

Popkin's Parenting

Explaining parenting in one post is quite a feat. Here's what I know: parenting is as much for the parents as it is the children. Parenting allows the parents to grow in ways they never could. It requires sacrifice and selflessness. Children fulfill a parents need of being needed. Children also have needs. Popkin came up with a method of parenting that is focused on the children's needs. I think it's great.

Here are a few of children's needs according to Popkin:

contact/belonging
cherished
trust
power

Looking over these things I don't think we ever grow out of these needs. A parent's job is to not only meet these needs but also to teach constructive ways for them to get it themselves.

A child uses a lot of attention seeking techniques when they don't feel their need of contact of belonging being met. Annoying others and getting into trouble are a few of the mistaken tactics that they use. According to Popkin if you meet their needs by hugging, smiling, creating opportunities for a child to contribute in the household and the community the child won't feel the need to act out.

Quote of week:

You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need can never satisfy you. 

Who's Your Daddy?

We live in a world with split families and single mothers. Now, I believe in women's rights. I think women are able to do a lot of things that men can do and they should be paid the same. However, I also believe that it's a woman's right to stay home and change the world one child at a time. A prevalent idea in our society is that single mothers can do everything for a child that having two parents, a mother and a FATHER can do. This is not the case. I realize that there are special circumstances in which divorce is necessary, I also realize that tragedies can occur that leave a young widow. This is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the level of a present father's involvement in his child's life. There are many families that the father is so far removed from his children that he may as well be absent. This is a terrible thing and I believe that a contributing factor could be that the fathers don't feel needed. The truth is that Fathers are super important!

Here is a part of a paper that I wrote on the topic of the importance of fathers:

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In the article “Father involvement and child well-being,” Kathrine R  Wilson and Margot R Prior(2010) list the benefits of an involved father:

Better psychosocial adjustment in children and better mental health

as adults; higher levels of cognitive and social competence; increased social responsibility, capacity for empathy, self control, self-esteem, social maturity and life skills; more positive child–father and adolescent–father relationships; more pro-social sibling interactions; fewer school adjustment difficulties, better academic progress and enhanced occupational achievement in adulthood(2010).

It seems clear that there is a great need for fathers in a child’s progression.. 

According to Wilson and Margot (2010), there are three dimensions of involved fathering: available and accessible, engaged, and responsible. A father needs to be both available and accessible, they need to be around their children and responsive to any problems. A good father is engaged with their children, they actively listen and pay attention to their needs and interests. Finally an efficient father is responsible for the child. He is always thinking and planning to meet the child’s needs (Wilson et al. 2010). 

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I think that the world needs to be more aware of the benefits of an involved father. I believe that knowledge is the key to reform. 

The Working Family

For most of the history of the world, work and family life was the same. Everyday the kids had to help get ready for the day. They had to milk cows and get water at the well. They churned butter and built their own houses. They had to clear land and life was completely busy and the family worked together all day.

Now there is a difference between work and “normal life.” We try to get everything done so we can have leisure time together. However, working together is extremely important for the cohesion of the family. The children feel more needed and involved when they are responsible for things. It’s also a great equalizer between parents and children if they are doing the same things. One mistake that is commonly made is to say, “clean up your own stuff.” This doesn’t help the family get closer and it doesn’t foster any selfless behavior. It’s best to all help clean one room at a time. That way you feel closer as a family and you are doing it together. It’s also a great time to talk about life.

Moral of story: do family work together, don’t split up in different rooms. 

Communication

You've heard it again and again... "the key to a good marriage is good communication," but what does that actually mean? What is "good" communication and can you change? Well the thing about communication is that it takes two. It's easy to think it's all abou the way you convey a message but it's just as important that the message is received correctly.  Because we all grow up in different situations we all learn how to communicate differently. Some say to make sure that you communicate so that you can be understood, but in reality the goal should be:

to communicate so clearly that we could not be     misunderstood. 

Learning to decode is more important than decoding. When we actively listen and truly understand what the other person is trying to say than it is much easier to respond appropriately. 

Sexual Abuse Within Family

I realize this is a sensitive subject. In fact, I'm not comfortable with it either. However, I believe this information to be too important not to share.

In the terrible event of an older brother/ sister sexually abusing a younger sibling a common "solution" is to take the offender away from the family. This creates even more problems because EVERYTHING in the family has changed. No one is able to talk. Dr. Madanes has a different idea.

Dr. Madanes came up with a very controversial method of counseling that I really like.
 ~this is done with all the members of the family present, including the "offender" and the "victim"~

1. Don't take the child away from the parents/ family.
2. Discuss ALL the details, ask all the members to explain what they knew, how they felt, what EXACTLY had happened. It is natural for families to never discuss the details because it's uncomfortable but it is beneficial because then no one feels like they have secrets from each other and once everything is out in the open it can be easier to deal with.
3. Ask each individual member why it was wrong.
4. Explain that a large reason why it was wrong is because it hurt the "victim's" spirit. DO NOT SAY DAMAGED OR BROKEN! This can lead them to believe that this will define them for the rest of their lives.
5. Discuss how it hurt all the family members.
6. After agreeing that it was indeed a terrible thing, have the "offender" get down on their knees and apologize to the "victim." Make them keep doing it until it is sincere. This may take a couple minutes or it could take weeks but DO NOT let the offender quit if you don't believe it to be a sincere apology.
7. Explain to "victim" that they have the choice whether or not to forgive.
8. Have all the members of the family apologize to each other sincerely.
9. Have the family set clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences if something like that ever happens again!
10. Have the "offender" create a plan for restitution. Ex: the "offender" could work part time and give all the money to "victim's" future college fund.

I think this has a lot of power. I wish we could live in a world where it wasn't necessary to even think about things like this but it is at least nice to know a way to help.

CRISES

If there is one thing in this world that we can't escape from it's crises. Whether it's illness, loss of job, natural disaster, or even death; at some point or another something will happen that will change our world permanently. We all go through them, the differences come in how we handle them.

From a family perspective crises can make or break a family system. Immediately after a family crises the satisfaction level and closeness declines. That is natural and to be expected. No one should feel bad about that. However, after a time it should start to increase and the goal is that it ends up higher than it was before the crises. In other words, ideally speaking, a family should be closer and function better after a crises than before. It is possible! 

So what can we do to ensure that our families are able to actually improve from the crises of life?

1. the most important thing to do is to make sure that you work through it as a family. It is easy to push people away because "they don't understand," but the truth is that everyone is hurting and everyone needs companionship and understanding. It is especially important that the husband and wife talk. Talk about how you feel, what you are angry about, cry, scream, just make sure that you don't shut each other out. 

2. Another important thing is to stay positive. There are multiple factors that make up an experience: the actual event, the resources and responses that you have to deal with it, and the cognitions (beliefs) that you may have. The experience is much easier if you have better cognitions and responses. 

It's the family structure, not the stressor, that makes all the difference!

Successful Marriage Steps

In the world right now it's easy to see marriage as daunting. After all we've all heard that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Personally, I doubt the number is so high. I'd imagine that would be a difficult thing to measure. Even still, it seems like most marriages have extreme problems and aren't really happy. That's why it is so great that I learned steps to take to guard against some marital problems.

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that even if you follow all of these steps to a "T" you will still have disagreements...

~A good marriage starts with good DATING! One great thing to do is to clearly define each step in the relationship. From casual dating to courtship(steady dating) and another clear break between courtship and engagement. I guess DTR's (defining the relationship) are a necessary evil...

~ Having the groom talk to the bride's father isn't just an old tradition. It actually is helpful for the parents to accept that they are no longer in charge of their daughter's well being. The new person that she needs to confide in is her husband and they will be able to let go more easily if they feel like they agreed to it.

~The Honeymoon should just be focused on the couple. It's not a great time to visit relatives or go sight seeing... I think that's self-explanatory...

~It's a good idea to draw up some sort of pre-marital contract... NOT A PRENUP! Just something to go through, to see what each person's expectations are. Just because you're in love it doesn't mean you will see eye-to-eye on everything... that's ridiculous. A few things to think about are what to do on Sundays. Who will do the cooking, cleaning, or yard-work. Who will pay the bills? How often will you visit in-laws? These are great things to talk about even before you are married.

Say WHAT?!?!

$27, 800

So, this is probably a good amount for a down payment on a house or a year of food and housing. But in reality, this is the average amount spent on…A WEDDING!!! Say what?!? I don’t think this is a good financial decision. A huge problem we have now is that couples (mostly brides…) are spending too much of their energy on the “perfect” wedding. The sad fact is that the wedding is ONE DAY, but we will have thousands of days as a married couple. In my opinion, the focus of getting married should be the marriage itself. Admittedly an LDS wedding is MUCH less. So that's good. I guess it helps that we don't have to pay for the actual wedding part, just the reception. :) 

Sorry, I just thought that was too crazy not to share… 

Love?

What do you think when you hear the word: LOVE? Chick flick fantasies? I have to admit that at one point that is what I thought of and imagined as reality for a long time. That's not real. It's actually not a great idea to fall in love and decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone within a few weeks of knowing them. There are a lot of hormones that confuse reality at that time. The best way to make sure that your mind is clear and able to make rational decisions is to follow the Relationship Attachment model (RAM).

The basic idea is to know more than you trust, trust more than you rely, rely more than you commit, and commit more than you touch. A common mistake is to jump into the touch category too quickly. It’s a bad idea to even hold hands before you are exclusively dating. Once touching enters the equation it confuses the rest and you feel like you know the person and can trust them more than you actually do and can. 

Gender Roles

There are some people in this world that believe that we should raise our boys more like our girls and vice-versa. I don't think this is a good idea. The truth of the matter is that boys and girls are different. There are physiological differences in our brains. Boys and girls see the world differently. To treat them the same wouldn't make sense. Obviously I believe that we should treat them with the same respect and love but maybe go about raising them a little bit differently.

Some Differences Between the Sexes: 

Male
rougher/ tougher
competitive
carreer and leadership oriented
protective
aggressive
less verbal
more talk oriented

Female:
detail oriented
more relationship oriented
object oriented for directions
more verbal

Equality?

America is known for it's freedom, right? Equality for all? Sound familiar? Ha! that's funny. We all know that equality is much more complicated than that.

The truth is that America operates on a social class system probably as much as other countries. We've all heard the terms "upper class" and "lower class." What does that mean? Are there some people that are better than others? What is "upper class" and how does one obtain it? Is it, necessarily, a terrible thing to be "lower class?"

"Upper class" is not just about the money. Although that is a large part of it. The truth is to really be at the tip-top of the class scale you have to be born into privilege. From the time of birth you have people wait on you and you get used to having the best of the best and being the best. It's true that people climb the social ladder but they can only go so far within a lifetime. It is much more likely that the children of the people that work hard to climb that ladder will be considered "upper class." Apparently, it's not something you can fake.

We all seem to want to be more "upper class" than we are, but is it really all it's cracked up to be? Considering family life it's not. It's true that parents in "upper class" situations are able to provide for their children and help them to have the best education possible but something that an "upper class" family usually lacks is time together. Wealthy families are very busy and tend to hire out things like nannies or cleaning people. The problem is that the nannies and the cleaning people are with the children more often than their own parents and usually bond with them more and feel more neglected by their parents. It's true that this doesn't ALWAYS happen, but the majority of the time it does.

Moral of lesson: Don't worry so much to be "upper class," it's not worth it.

Family Theories

I decided that I might actually have an interest in becoming a family and marriage therapist. I would love to be able to help marriages and families because, after all, isn't that the most important part of life on Earth? So to become one of these therapist types it is helpful to know some general theories on how families work and how problems arise and can also be solved. I learned about four main theories. 

 1. Family Systems Theory- This theory is based on the idea that it is better to look at the family unit as a whole than at each individual. The family unit is a system and the whole thing changes when one person makes a permanent change.  

2. Exchange Theory- This is the idea that we, as humans, like to get more or at least the same as what we give. When the scale is tipped and one person feels like they are giving more than it is worth  problems arise. 

 3. Symbolic Interaction Theory- This is based on the idea that different actions are different "symbols" for different people. What one person would think was a nice gesture another could find it offensive. This is one of the reasons communication is key in any relationship. 

4. Conflict Theory- I don't like this one as much because it is based on the idea that everyone is constantly in a power struggle. We all want to have the upper hand. I know that some people think this way but I don't want to accept that most people do. 

So... There we have it. Four family theories that can make it a little easier to see what is happening inside the family unit.