Blended Families

Blending families is not simple. I think of the movie "Your's, Mine, and Ours." Obviously that is an extreme case since they both had HUGE families to begin with. But it still illustrates some of the challenges of a newly blended family.

It's hard for a child to accept a new authority figure that is supposed to meet their needs. It is suggested that it's best for the new step-parent to act in the capacity of an uncle or aunt for the first few years, depending on the family. This may seem extreme but when you think about the role of an uncle or aunt it makes sense.

 An involved uncle or aunt 
is always there for you
 they are supportive and understanding
if there is something that is troublesome they will tell the parents

Likewise a step-parent would do well to do these things and let the birth parent be responsible for the discipline for at least the first two years to help the kids make a smooth transition.

Popkin's Parenting

Explaining parenting in one post is quite a feat. Here's what I know: parenting is as much for the parents as it is the children. Parenting allows the parents to grow in ways they never could. It requires sacrifice and selflessness. Children fulfill a parents need of being needed. Children also have needs. Popkin came up with a method of parenting that is focused on the children's needs. I think it's great.

Here are a few of children's needs according to Popkin:

contact/belonging
cherished
trust
power

Looking over these things I don't think we ever grow out of these needs. A parent's job is to not only meet these needs but also to teach constructive ways for them to get it themselves.

A child uses a lot of attention seeking techniques when they don't feel their need of contact of belonging being met. Annoying others and getting into trouble are a few of the mistaken tactics that they use. According to Popkin if you meet their needs by hugging, smiling, creating opportunities for a child to contribute in the household and the community the child won't feel the need to act out.

Quote of week:

You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need can never satisfy you. 

Who's Your Daddy?

We live in a world with split families and single mothers. Now, I believe in women's rights. I think women are able to do a lot of things that men can do and they should be paid the same. However, I also believe that it's a woman's right to stay home and change the world one child at a time. A prevalent idea in our society is that single mothers can do everything for a child that having two parents, a mother and a FATHER can do. This is not the case. I realize that there are special circumstances in which divorce is necessary, I also realize that tragedies can occur that leave a young widow. This is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the level of a present father's involvement in his child's life. There are many families that the father is so far removed from his children that he may as well be absent. This is a terrible thing and I believe that a contributing factor could be that the fathers don't feel needed. The truth is that Fathers are super important!

Here is a part of a paper that I wrote on the topic of the importance of fathers:

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In the article “Father involvement and child well-being,” Kathrine R  Wilson and Margot R Prior(2010) list the benefits of an involved father:

Better psychosocial adjustment in children and better mental health

as adults; higher levels of cognitive and social competence; increased social responsibility, capacity for empathy, self control, self-esteem, social maturity and life skills; more positive child–father and adolescent–father relationships; more pro-social sibling interactions; fewer school adjustment difficulties, better academic progress and enhanced occupational achievement in adulthood(2010).

It seems clear that there is a great need for fathers in a child’s progression.. 

According to Wilson and Margot (2010), there are three dimensions of involved fathering: available and accessible, engaged, and responsible. A father needs to be both available and accessible, they need to be around their children and responsive to any problems. A good father is engaged with their children, they actively listen and pay attention to their needs and interests. Finally an efficient father is responsible for the child. He is always thinking and planning to meet the child’s needs (Wilson et al. 2010). 

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I think that the world needs to be more aware of the benefits of an involved father. I believe that knowledge is the key to reform. 

The Working Family

For most of the history of the world, work and family life was the same. Everyday the kids had to help get ready for the day. They had to milk cows and get water at the well. They churned butter and built their own houses. They had to clear land and life was completely busy and the family worked together all day.

Now there is a difference between work and “normal life.” We try to get everything done so we can have leisure time together. However, working together is extremely important for the cohesion of the family. The children feel more needed and involved when they are responsible for things. It’s also a great equalizer between parents and children if they are doing the same things. One mistake that is commonly made is to say, “clean up your own stuff.” This doesn’t help the family get closer and it doesn’t foster any selfless behavior. It’s best to all help clean one room at a time. That way you feel closer as a family and you are doing it together. It’s also a great time to talk about life.

Moral of story: do family work together, don’t split up in different rooms. 

Communication

You've heard it again and again... "the key to a good marriage is good communication," but what does that actually mean? What is "good" communication and can you change? Well the thing about communication is that it takes two. It's easy to think it's all abou the way you convey a message but it's just as important that the message is received correctly.  Because we all grow up in different situations we all learn how to communicate differently. Some say to make sure that you communicate so that you can be understood, but in reality the goal should be:

to communicate so clearly that we could not be     misunderstood. 

Learning to decode is more important than decoding. When we actively listen and truly understand what the other person is trying to say than it is much easier to respond appropriately. 

Sexual Abuse Within Family

I realize this is a sensitive subject. In fact, I'm not comfortable with it either. However, I believe this information to be too important not to share.

In the terrible event of an older brother/ sister sexually abusing a younger sibling a common "solution" is to take the offender away from the family. This creates even more problems because EVERYTHING in the family has changed. No one is able to talk. Dr. Madanes has a different idea.

Dr. Madanes came up with a very controversial method of counseling that I really like.
 ~this is done with all the members of the family present, including the "offender" and the "victim"~

1. Don't take the child away from the parents/ family.
2. Discuss ALL the details, ask all the members to explain what they knew, how they felt, what EXACTLY had happened. It is natural for families to never discuss the details because it's uncomfortable but it is beneficial because then no one feels like they have secrets from each other and once everything is out in the open it can be easier to deal with.
3. Ask each individual member why it was wrong.
4. Explain that a large reason why it was wrong is because it hurt the "victim's" spirit. DO NOT SAY DAMAGED OR BROKEN! This can lead them to believe that this will define them for the rest of their lives.
5. Discuss how it hurt all the family members.
6. After agreeing that it was indeed a terrible thing, have the "offender" get down on their knees and apologize to the "victim." Make them keep doing it until it is sincere. This may take a couple minutes or it could take weeks but DO NOT let the offender quit if you don't believe it to be a sincere apology.
7. Explain to "victim" that they have the choice whether or not to forgive.
8. Have all the members of the family apologize to each other sincerely.
9. Have the family set clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences if something like that ever happens again!
10. Have the "offender" create a plan for restitution. Ex: the "offender" could work part time and give all the money to "victim's" future college fund.

I think this has a lot of power. I wish we could live in a world where it wasn't necessary to even think about things like this but it is at least nice to know a way to help.

CRISES

If there is one thing in this world that we can't escape from it's crises. Whether it's illness, loss of job, natural disaster, or even death; at some point or another something will happen that will change our world permanently. We all go through them, the differences come in how we handle them.

From a family perspective crises can make or break a family system. Immediately after a family crises the satisfaction level and closeness declines. That is natural and to be expected. No one should feel bad about that. However, after a time it should start to increase and the goal is that it ends up higher than it was before the crises. In other words, ideally speaking, a family should be closer and function better after a crises than before. It is possible! 

So what can we do to ensure that our families are able to actually improve from the crises of life?

1. the most important thing to do is to make sure that you work through it as a family. It is easy to push people away because "they don't understand," but the truth is that everyone is hurting and everyone needs companionship and understanding. It is especially important that the husband and wife talk. Talk about how you feel, what you are angry about, cry, scream, just make sure that you don't shut each other out. 

2. Another important thing is to stay positive. There are multiple factors that make up an experience: the actual event, the resources and responses that you have to deal with it, and the cognitions (beliefs) that you may have. The experience is much easier if you have better cognitions and responses. 

It's the family structure, not the stressor, that makes all the difference!