The Working Family

For most of the history of the world, work and family life was the same. Everyday the kids had to help get ready for the day. They had to milk cows and get water at the well. They churned butter and built their own houses. They had to clear land and life was completely busy and the family worked together all day.

Now there is a difference between work and “normal life.” We try to get everything done so we can have leisure time together. However, working together is extremely important for the cohesion of the family. The children feel more needed and involved when they are responsible for things. It’s also a great equalizer between parents and children if they are doing the same things. One mistake that is commonly made is to say, “clean up your own stuff.” This doesn’t help the family get closer and it doesn’t foster any selfless behavior. It’s best to all help clean one room at a time. That way you feel closer as a family and you are doing it together. It’s also a great time to talk about life.

Moral of story: do family work together, don’t split up in different rooms. 

Communication

You've heard it again and again... "the key to a good marriage is good communication," but what does that actually mean? What is "good" communication and can you change? Well the thing about communication is that it takes two. It's easy to think it's all abou the way you convey a message but it's just as important that the message is received correctly.  Because we all grow up in different situations we all learn how to communicate differently. Some say to make sure that you communicate so that you can be understood, but in reality the goal should be:

to communicate so clearly that we could not be     misunderstood. 

Learning to decode is more important than decoding. When we actively listen and truly understand what the other person is trying to say than it is much easier to respond appropriately. 

Sexual Abuse Within Family

I realize this is a sensitive subject. In fact, I'm not comfortable with it either. However, I believe this information to be too important not to share.

In the terrible event of an older brother/ sister sexually abusing a younger sibling a common "solution" is to take the offender away from the family. This creates even more problems because EVERYTHING in the family has changed. No one is able to talk. Dr. Madanes has a different idea.

Dr. Madanes came up with a very controversial method of counseling that I really like.
 ~this is done with all the members of the family present, including the "offender" and the "victim"~

1. Don't take the child away from the parents/ family.
2. Discuss ALL the details, ask all the members to explain what they knew, how they felt, what EXACTLY had happened. It is natural for families to never discuss the details because it's uncomfortable but it is beneficial because then no one feels like they have secrets from each other and once everything is out in the open it can be easier to deal with.
3. Ask each individual member why it was wrong.
4. Explain that a large reason why it was wrong is because it hurt the "victim's" spirit. DO NOT SAY DAMAGED OR BROKEN! This can lead them to believe that this will define them for the rest of their lives.
5. Discuss how it hurt all the family members.
6. After agreeing that it was indeed a terrible thing, have the "offender" get down on their knees and apologize to the "victim." Make them keep doing it until it is sincere. This may take a couple minutes or it could take weeks but DO NOT let the offender quit if you don't believe it to be a sincere apology.
7. Explain to "victim" that they have the choice whether or not to forgive.
8. Have all the members of the family apologize to each other sincerely.
9. Have the family set clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences if something like that ever happens again!
10. Have the "offender" create a plan for restitution. Ex: the "offender" could work part time and give all the money to "victim's" future college fund.

I think this has a lot of power. I wish we could live in a world where it wasn't necessary to even think about things like this but it is at least nice to know a way to help.

CRISES

If there is one thing in this world that we can't escape from it's crises. Whether it's illness, loss of job, natural disaster, or even death; at some point or another something will happen that will change our world permanently. We all go through them, the differences come in how we handle them.

From a family perspective crises can make or break a family system. Immediately after a family crises the satisfaction level and closeness declines. That is natural and to be expected. No one should feel bad about that. However, after a time it should start to increase and the goal is that it ends up higher than it was before the crises. In other words, ideally speaking, a family should be closer and function better after a crises than before. It is possible! 

So what can we do to ensure that our families are able to actually improve from the crises of life?

1. the most important thing to do is to make sure that you work through it as a family. It is easy to push people away because "they don't understand," but the truth is that everyone is hurting and everyone needs companionship and understanding. It is especially important that the husband and wife talk. Talk about how you feel, what you are angry about, cry, scream, just make sure that you don't shut each other out. 

2. Another important thing is to stay positive. There are multiple factors that make up an experience: the actual event, the resources and responses that you have to deal with it, and the cognitions (beliefs) that you may have. The experience is much easier if you have better cognitions and responses. 

It's the family structure, not the stressor, that makes all the difference!

Successful Marriage Steps

In the world right now it's easy to see marriage as daunting. After all we've all heard that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Personally, I doubt the number is so high. I'd imagine that would be a difficult thing to measure. Even still, it seems like most marriages have extreme problems and aren't really happy. That's why it is so great that I learned steps to take to guard against some marital problems.

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that even if you follow all of these steps to a "T" you will still have disagreements...

~A good marriage starts with good DATING! One great thing to do is to clearly define each step in the relationship. From casual dating to courtship(steady dating) and another clear break between courtship and engagement. I guess DTR's (defining the relationship) are a necessary evil...

~ Having the groom talk to the bride's father isn't just an old tradition. It actually is helpful for the parents to accept that they are no longer in charge of their daughter's well being. The new person that she needs to confide in is her husband and they will be able to let go more easily if they feel like they agreed to it.

~The Honeymoon should just be focused on the couple. It's not a great time to visit relatives or go sight seeing... I think that's self-explanatory...

~It's a good idea to draw up some sort of pre-marital contract... NOT A PRENUP! Just something to go through, to see what each person's expectations are. Just because you're in love it doesn't mean you will see eye-to-eye on everything... that's ridiculous. A few things to think about are what to do on Sundays. Who will do the cooking, cleaning, or yard-work. Who will pay the bills? How often will you visit in-laws? These are great things to talk about even before you are married.

Say WHAT?!?!

$27, 800

So, this is probably a good amount for a down payment on a house or a year of food and housing. But in reality, this is the average amount spent on…A WEDDING!!! Say what?!? I don’t think this is a good financial decision. A huge problem we have now is that couples (mostly brides…) are spending too much of their energy on the “perfect” wedding. The sad fact is that the wedding is ONE DAY, but we will have thousands of days as a married couple. In my opinion, the focus of getting married should be the marriage itself. Admittedly an LDS wedding is MUCH less. So that's good. I guess it helps that we don't have to pay for the actual wedding part, just the reception. :) 

Sorry, I just thought that was too crazy not to share…